Time is such a crazy thing. You rush it. You want more of it. You want it to stop. You want to fast forward. You watch it. It's a constant battle - for me anyway. I want to speed time up until Billy gets home... then I want to freeze time when he's here playing with the kids. I want to speed up the baby phase just a little bit because it's hard, but once Micah is crawling/walking I'm going to wish I could go back in time because that's hard too, lol. I want Meredith to get out of this whiny/not listening phase, but soon enough she will be in school full time and I'll wish I could rewind. I need mommy time... meaning time away, but I don't want to miss out on anything with the kids. Billy and I NEEEED time to ourselves, to work on our marriage/friendship/relationship/us, but finding that time is a lot easier said than done.
But what made me think of this and start typing is the thought that this "time" in our life is so precious, but so frustrating. Life with 2 kids is MUCH easier than I thought it was going to be. Maybe it's the age difference between the kids or maybe it's the fact that I'm not working this time around, or maybe it's the difference in Billy's job... or maybe its a combination of all of that... but whatever it is, it's not that bad. But... it's still trying. and exhausting. and consuming. and overwhelming. and fun. I'm nursing which means leaving Micah isn't easy and it requires planning & prep work... and I'm not willing to leave him over night yet. (That won't happen until I'm done nursing which is probably around the 1 year mark...even though I have friends who think I'm crazy, lol.) It's harder to ask a sitter to watch both kids. It's harder to ask friends to watch both kids. It's harder to plan to leave both kids. Yet, Billy & I both need to get out... be ourselves... remember why we're good together and what makes us happy besides these little beings that consume our lives. So right now I want to fast forward... to a time where that's easier to do.
Another thing that made me start typing is where I'm at in life. I'm discontent and I can't figure out why. I don't want to work full time, outside the home... but I want to be able to afford to go out on dates, go shopping, be spontaneous, go on vacation, etc.. I don't want to be away from my kids, but I seem to need a break here lately... a lot. I don't want to leave Lynchburg, but I'd do most anything to be near family. I don't want to have more kids, but the thought of Micah being my last makes me sad. I don't want my marriage/relationship to Billy to get stale and like that of roommates, but I don't know how to change things at this time in our life. And lastly... I don't want to have a mundane relationship with Christ, but can't find time to study/read/pray more than I do now because every time I try... I hear "mommmmyyyy" or a baby crying.
Man. I have a lot of complaints. :( But that's NOT what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to be honest and real and seek wisdom. I want to live life to the fullest and enjoy my kids and family. I want to find joy in the little things and stop seeing the negatives. I want to seek God's will first and allow everything else to fall in to place. I want to enjoy the time I'm given and stop rushing everything. I want time to not be an issue. I want to be content.
Do you? Are you? How'd you get there?
Being content... now that's a novel idea. :) Pray for me as I seek this in life... :)
Love this....and love you! I'm so grateful to have been a part of your life the past few years to watch you grow and change.
ReplyDeleteThanks for a great post...I definitely fed of your thoughts a bit today in reflection of my own life...Balance is for sure one of the hardest things to find and when we do I feel that we will be more content for sure.
ReplyDeleteHey Kristin, haven’t talked to you in a while… seems like you have your hands full with life. I may not have kids but I know how hectic life can get sometimes and how easily I can fall into feeling discontent. Not here to give you any advice just thought I’d share my insight on it. We went over this quote in group therapy today with some of our clients and maybe you will find it helpful.
ReplyDelete“Your beliefs become your thoughts, Your thoughts become your words, Your words become your actions, Your actions become your habits, Your habits become your values, Your values become your destiny.”― Mahatma Gandhi
In my life when I have become discontent (which has happened a lot), it has stemmed from my core beliefs that things should be a certain way. Some of those beliefs even date back to my childhood/teenage years/college years..… such as: When I’m an adult it will look like (fill in blank), I will get nothing but A’s in grad school, marriage will always be like _____, when I have kids I will be this kind of parent, my walk with God should be like (insert name of someone that you think has that kind of relationship with God). When I do that, I lose sight of the uniqueness of my personal situation and it’s difficult to retrain my thought patterns into those of optimism. Life just doesn’t comply with the ideals I set up for myself, it never will and that’s ok. What I can do is challenge those ideals, find realistic goals for how I want my life to be, and make the changes necessary to work towards the results I want. Hope this helps and if not... hope everything works out for you :) -Tara