Can I vent for a second?

I transitioned from full time teaching to subbing this year and am super thankful for this new venture. I'm only able to sub 1-2 days a week (that's all I really want to as well) and I'm super lucky that our sitter is pretty flexible with just a days notice. 

While I love subbing and I love being at home I'm struggling with a few things. My main issue is that I'm subbing in the school where I taught full time. The teachers there are my friends and I love them... which means saying no is a really hard thing for me to do. I feel like I need to explain myself and have a good excuse if I have to say no and... it's awkward. 

After evaluating myself I think I struggle because:

a. I don't want to feel like a flake when I'm really being a mom... which really is what I want to do!
b. I appreciate the fact that I have the blessing of being able to stay home, but don't want to lose who I was before?!?!?
c. I worry that these friendships/relationships I am made while teaching full time are going to wither because I'm not a constant face in the crowd anymore.
d. I feel obligated to bring in some sort of monetary contribution and worry when I don't have something lined up.

In the long run, I'm trying to focus on the fact that Meredith is my full time job now (as is my house and husband) and since I pissed and moaned about wanting to stay at home [once Meredith was born up until this year!] I need to be thankful and grateful and STOP worrying about everything else.  Billy reminds me that substitute teaching isn't my career and that if I want to go back to teaching I can at any point... but until I decide to (and I don't think that'll be any time soon) I need to embrace my new "career" and stop stressing about the one I left.

and that's hard. for me anyway. 

thanks for listening.

34 days til Christmas!